I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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