She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
