mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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