Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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