I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
