i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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