Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You can't motorboat a personality
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
