I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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