It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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