You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
