she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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