I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My feet surprised me
Randomize
