I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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