New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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