I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
