She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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