I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
its not stalking. its research.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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