Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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