I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
even my farts smell like vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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