Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
