how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
