so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
