can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pappa wants mamma naked
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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