you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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