so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
