At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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