I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
