I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
