this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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