Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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