Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
