cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She bit a glass in half.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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