Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
