Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No subtext here. People are naked.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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