I want to make a zoo with you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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