My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
