....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
