There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
