my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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