How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
