Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
