can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
