The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
