Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
