I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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