my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
