Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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