i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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