Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
