Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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