Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
