I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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