sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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