He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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