Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
