what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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